So, you found me

I see you’ve wandered over into my little corner of the Internet.

Let it be known: you aren’t welcome here. But no one ever asks permission to get up in my space anyway. So if you’re gonna be here awhile, you might as well sit there on your ass and absorb some truth bombs.

I am Willy. Formally, One-Eyed Willy Sharptooth Bitz. You can call me “here, kitty kitty,” and “oh shit, is that cat hissing?” because that’s what people who don’t know me call me.

My very best person calls me Winnykins, but you sure as hell aren’t allowed to call me that. She’s the only (conscious) person I ever snuggle with. She’s really the only person I sort of like. So she can call me whatever she wants. But don’t get me wrong: I still bite her sometimes. No one’s safe. 

My person calls me mis-an-thro-pic. It’s a big word. I don’t even know what it means. But I assume it’s good stuff.

I always and only tell the truth, so brace yourself. And if you can’t take the heat, get your tail out of the litter box. For starters: around here, my little brother Teddy is known as “nice cat.” I get it. He’s the one who roves from bed to bed at night, kneading my housepeople to sleep, purring in their laps—meanwhile, I’ve curled up in some secluded corner, all by myself, and it’s amazing. Teddy’s the one who cocks his head and stares up at people with Puss in Boots eyes, whereas my signature move is laying on the floor like I’m dead.

Signature move. Don't judge.

I know Teddy is the kind of cat that people like. But I’m going to level with you folks: Teddy is a fat piece of shit, and his only motivation is food. Seriously, if those people didn’t feed him, he’d claw the shit out of them just like I do. But as it is, he begs for food LITERALLY all the time, even when he’s just eaten, and then he gobbles it all up before I even get a sniff. And do you know what he does next? Throws it all up. He’s disgusting. He’s the Chris Farley to my David Spade, and we All Know that everyone just loves big ole silly Chris Farley, but that David Spade provided the important counterpoint to Farley’s schtick. I’m Spade and my counterpoint is Tough Effing Love. And biting.

Also, people think I’m as fat as Teddy but they’re wrong. Teddy’s gut is big and pendulous—I’m serious, watch that sucker try to run sometimes. Me, I’m big--- but I’m fluffy. Literally, I’m really hairy. That’s all.

In any case, my best person has A Lot of pictures of me from over the years. She says she’s going to put them up here. I told her “only if I can truth bomb with them” and she said “okay” and then I nuzzled her foot. Because feet are my favorite and hers are ginormous.

Catch you on the flipside, suckas.